Something I wanted to talk about

So obviously I do not write much here. In fact, nowadays I do not write much at all. I don't know why. The words just do not come to me as they used to. Or may be they never came, and I was just over estimating myself all this while.

So, today , I will be discussing about something that I have been battling with for quite some years now. Depression. No , its not an overfancy word for sadness. No , no one pretends it. No , a pizza will not fix this. No,"take it easy" is not a good enough advice. I have done all these things to myself for a long time. Its just stupid. So don't do it to yourself, or others.

I do not remember the first time when I fell into this. But I remember days, when I would cry without really knowing the reason why. I would never give myself credit for anything. I remember having people in my life who would criticize me all the time, and I remember believing them. I remember thinking that I am so unimportant, so negligible , that , my existence is just an anomaly. I first time visited a psychiatrist when I was still doing my bachelors. I remember just crying for the first few sittings. I could not even form my thoughts into sentences. At the time , I was also in a relationship. And that person, also, always made me feel that he is doing me a favour by being with me. I used to look into the mirror and I used to feel like a monster. I never used to do good in studies. I could never really concentrate. And even when I used to do good in something, I would never give myself credit for that. Then , in the later years, I broke up. And that pushed me further into a life of darkness. I used to force myself to do things that would make me hate myself as a person. I had zero self respect. I do not want to go into the details of what all I did. But let me just tell you, it was not something that I loved doing. I hated it. I was high on self destruction.

Then, I took the best decision of my life in 2016. I was doing this IT job after graduating. Ofcourse I hated it. I resigned. I had zero idea what to do next. And the crowd of over critical people kept criticizing my decision. But I did it. I had a person holding my hand through this. I decided that I will dedicate a year to myself to build up my mental health . And it was not easy. Its not easy to find beauty in a mirror that has told you that you are ugly , all your life.  It was difficult to believe that I have talent in me after being criticized and over criticized for everything. But, for the first time, I decided to fight back. I told myself every morning, almost like a ritual, that I am beautiful. I started studying again, this time actually believing I can do it. I cut everyone from my life, except my parents and some very very close friends. I chose to keep only positive people in my life. People who reminded me that I am good enough. I stopped beating myself up for all my failures. I started voicing my opinion more loudly. And most importantly, I never let anyone bully me again.

These last two years, have been the best years in my life so far. I have slipped into depression for times in these years as well. But I have fought back. And I am not afraid of it anymore. I myself is the source of my happiness. No one matters to me more than myself. I only get hurt, when I do not like myself. So I try to be the best person that I can be. What others think of me does not matter to me anymore. I wake up every morning and convince myself the day will be beautiful. I make a conscious effort to filter away the negative thoughts , the nonconstructive criticisms. I am happy now. And I like to believe I will be okay in the coming years.