Moments..

Life is a collection of moments. 
Moments when you were sad, moments when you were happy. 
Moments when you had won, moments when you had lost. 
Moments of immense success...moments of intense failure.
But , at the end of the day, I believe , we all remember the moments when we defied the rules.
The moments we did socially unacceptable stupid things.
The moments we were unnecessarily nice or obnoxiously rude.
The moments we loved someone we shouldn't.
The moments we did things that were not expected from us.
I say, be that anomaly at-least once every day.
Every day do something eccentric, however small it might be.
Buy that neon T shirt people said you were too old to wear.
Wear that blue lipstick that makes you look like a joker.
Tell that person who is out of your league how majorly you are crushing on him.
Be cheesy , be romantic.
Wear your heart on your sleeves.
Get it broken and watch how beautifully it gets fixed.
To hell with common sense. Something that has the word "common" in it cannot be something worth having.
Dream weird, dream big.
Life , as I said are full of moments, moments that define us, own us.
Have a few moments that do not define or own you.
Have a few moments that you define, you own instead

Something I wanted to talk about

So obviously I do not write much here. In fact, nowadays I do not write much at all. I don't know why. The words just do not come to me as they used to. Or may be they never came, and I was just over estimating myself all this while.

So, today , I will be discussing about something that I have been battling with for quite some years now. Depression. No , its not an overfancy word for sadness. No , no one pretends it. No , a pizza will not fix this. No,"take it easy" is not a good enough advice. I have done all these things to myself for a long time. Its just stupid. So don't do it to yourself, or others.

I do not remember the first time when I fell into this. But I remember days, when I would cry without really knowing the reason why. I would never give myself credit for anything. I remember having people in my life who would criticize me all the time, and I remember believing them. I remember thinking that I am so unimportant, so negligible , that , my existence is just an anomaly. I first time visited a psychiatrist when I was still doing my bachelors. I remember just crying for the first few sittings. I could not even form my thoughts into sentences. At the time , I was also in a relationship. And that person, also, always made me feel that he is doing me a favour by being with me. I used to look into the mirror and I used to feel like a monster. I never used to do good in studies. I could never really concentrate. And even when I used to do good in something, I would never give myself credit for that. Then , in the later years, I broke up. And that pushed me further into a life of darkness. I used to force myself to do things that would make me hate myself as a person. I had zero self respect. I do not want to go into the details of what all I did. But let me just tell you, it was not something that I loved doing. I hated it. I was high on self destruction.

Then, I took the best decision of my life in 2016. I was doing this IT job after graduating. Ofcourse I hated it. I resigned. I had zero idea what to do next. And the crowd of over critical people kept criticizing my decision. But I did it. I had a person holding my hand through this. I decided that I will dedicate a year to myself to build up my mental health . And it was not easy. Its not easy to find beauty in a mirror that has told you that you are ugly , all your life.  It was difficult to believe that I have talent in me after being criticized and over criticized for everything. But, for the first time, I decided to fight back. I told myself every morning, almost like a ritual, that I am beautiful. I started studying again, this time actually believing I can do it. I cut everyone from my life, except my parents and some very very close friends. I chose to keep only positive people in my life. People who reminded me that I am good enough. I stopped beating myself up for all my failures. I started voicing my opinion more loudly. And most importantly, I never let anyone bully me again.

These last two years, have been the best years in my life so far. I have slipped into depression for times in these years as well. But I have fought back. And I am not afraid of it anymore. I myself is the source of my happiness. No one matters to me more than myself. I only get hurt, when I do not like myself. So I try to be the best person that I can be. What others think of me does not matter to me anymore. I wake up every morning and convince myself the day will be beautiful. I make a conscious effort to filter away the negative thoughts , the nonconstructive criticisms. I am happy now. And I like to believe I will be okay in the coming years.

Tomar nissongota r amar akakitto preme porechilo...
tar por das cabine thonte thont likheche uponyas...
tomar nissongota r amar akakitto preme porechilo..
tai nirbak dupure , premhin felechi nissas
Tomar gorbo amar ohonkar preme porechilo...
tai brishti te bhijeo mon shikto holona...
tomar mitthe amar bissas preme porechilo
Tai sob bilie die o nissota elona

Tomar chokh k amar mon bhalobesechilo
Tumi jokhon chokh die amae ghat te
Moner sobuj pata guloe jhor asto
Tomar sur k amar gan bhalobesechilo
Tumi tanpurae jokhon tan melate
Moner kon hongsoraj e bhasto

Tomar dorshon preme porechilo amar robidronather
Tai hate hat rekhe bohubar…bohuubar…
Aloe aloe mukti peyechi..
Tomar kobita preme porechilo amar dinolipir
Tai protibar...proti patar seshe..
Hridoy khochito shakkhor cheyechi

Tomar bastob amar batsolyor preme porechilo...
tumi jokhon buker bhaje byasto...
ami pakhir danae kobita ekechi...
tomar kamona amar sorirer preme porechilo...
tai rater por rat tomar bichanae..
duhat bhore nillojjota mekhechi..

Tomar aj ar amar jabojjibon preme porechilo...
preme porechilo gambhirjer dushtumi...
hoyto tomar preme amio porechilam...
poroni sudhu amar preme tumi....