i kno i have not been writing for a long long time.....its just that....i got nothing to think about....that dsnt mean nothing is happening in my life....its just like....all the incidents r pretty straight forward and single layered.....my mom's uncle died.....and dadavai has left us too....so...yeah...those  just incidents.....nd....there s nuthing to write about their death really.....i can bore u all with tons of medical terminologies....but thats not wat i started this blog for.....this s my place to shout out my frustation and i donot shout out medical names wen i m frustated....and nor do i narrate incidents...
    i think it wud be better if i talk about how i really feel about their departure....i have known my mom's uncle for times unknown.....he stayed at haldia......we seldom used to meet.....i have met him like 6 to 7 times....but every time he used to come he used to bring little things for me.....magazines....and poems he has written....he made it a point to read everything i write.....loved hearing me sing..........it just feels weird that that person is not there nemore.....wen i go to haldia next time.....he wont give that hearty laugh and show me his poems....he used to sing a song...."tumi manush k diechile prem...." i dont eally like the song....but it feels weird that he wont sing that again.....i dont kno if i ud be like "i miss him sooo much"....but the moment i think about all those things abt him that i vividly remember.....nd i realise thats all past...i cant help crying....its like my old school books......i dont need them....i dont read them....but i kno if they r thrown away m gonna feel weird....nd miss the fact that they were right there..
      by dadavai i mean kabir's elder bro....i have known him for a little more than two years......nd he s the person i used to go to wen i had a fight with kabir.....he wud always take my side....he ud always call me his sister.....he loved to eat like me....so we really connected,,,,n wenever i used to make a eatout plan wth kabir we asked him to join us....he was young , full of laughter, passionate about food and photography.....we chatted just two weeks ago.....he was sending me stickers.....he was a little sick....n i told him get well soon....n we will have a eatout at chinatown after that.....n now he s just gone....he s not there....we will never again make a plan with him....he will never click my photos......never call me pagli.....never back me up wen kabir fights.....we wont talk about food nemore....or my poems....or movies....or make knock knock jokes....he wont ask me to join the trips he plans even after knoing i cant go....he wont ping me all of a sudden just to say hi n then go offline again.....he s just gone.....the person who was very much alive n making plans with me 2 weeks back...is gone....i m just not being able to come in terms with this fact......how i feel about his death....how much i miss him.....that can b discussed later....its just that....with his name in my frndlist....my watsapp....my g talk.....my contacts....i just cant blv he s gone...
       thats everything i can say right now....i dont want to draw ne conclusions....or discuss nething philosophical...cuz i m not in that frame of mind this instant.....i can just say...both of you.....i loved you....be happy if there s nething called afterlife......may your soul rest in peace....

jokhon ei blog ta start korechilam....bhebechilam protidin likhbo.....kichu na kichu.......bhebechilam sokaler cha ta chumuk dite ditei likhe felbo....karon chintar khorakta sadharonoto ratei jogar hoe jae amar.....bhebechilam ja likhbo seta age theke plan kore rakhbo.....mone mone dutin bar bole akta outline kore rakhbo.....jate akhon jamn tumi atotuku porei ghori dekhcho seta na hoy.....onekkichui bhebechilam.....kintu ta holo ki???......aj atodin por dupur sare 10tae blog nie bosechi.....mathae chinta kilbilie uthche....othocho sei "plan" er tikitao toiri korini....topic to bank e prochur joma poreche......kintu segulo sobde bodle falar dussahos ta korte atodin lege galo.....r ami ei oniom dekhe jib bar kore mathae duto chati mere bolchi "ore gadha chagol goru....niom koi??? ato kuremi kiser??? protidin likhlei to hoy" ...
  asole hoyto tumi bissas korbe na.....etao amarr plan e chilo j jedin lekha hobe na sedin nijeke tumul sason korbo......mathae gatta mere bolbo "ore shimpanji.....kichu to akta niommafik kor.....kichuto akta mon die kor.....dekhisni omukkke.....koto sorted out....koto focussed....toke to porte boste bolini....ja mathae ase guchie likhte bolechi.....setateo ato alsemi....kissu hobe na tor.....je sue thake tar bhaggo o sue thake.."..prothom dudin koreochilam sason.....tarpore din just akta chati....r tarpor.....etao bhule mere diechi...
   kano erm hoy....akta niom ....akta plan life k koto easy kore dae......jokhon alsemi kore kichu miss kori mone ki kothao ektu guilt feeling hoy na??? plan ta mene chollei to seta avoid kora jae.....tao kano....planmafik cholte ato oniha....kano sei guilty feeling ta k kothao akta relish kori ami?? sudhu ki blog???? ei nie 66 bar dieting er chesta kore fail korechi....just controle hoy na.... bhulbhal kheye fele nijeke chor thappor gatta....kichu marte bud diyini...tao....sei protibar....dudin porei ....telebhajara....mistira.....monginis r kathleener lok gulo hat nere nere dakte thake ....r amio sob bhule gie dum kore kheyefeli...Ei nie amar 10 ta kobitar khata korechi....othocho kobita ta kno janina sei khataguloe lekhai hoy na.....khater pechoner deoale....ankar khatae.....engineering msathematics er boi er molate pen rakhlei borong kobitara jhapie ase.....ake onnoke thele sorie berie aste chae....bojho kando!!!
   mone hoy amar programming e gondogol ache....sobai kisundor aki bhbe....aki niome jibon ta protidin enjoy korche.....r ami....ei bishal somaj machiner batil howa part....ami sudhu bhule jachchi....ja ichche tai korchi....instruction manchi na....niom manchi na....amae sobai galagal dichche....screw nie egie asche sarie tulte......r ami dourachi.....akabanka rasta die....nijer  imperfection k jorie dhore....karon ato kichur poreo.....ami nijeke boro bhalobasi.....sobai boddo bhalo.....tader sob bhalo....sob sothik.....soundorje,perfectn e chokh golla hoe jae.....kintu tao....amar paglami te....imperfection e..... r faulty programming e boichitro to ache.....tomader binary numberer akgheyemite ami na hoy baki 8 ta shonkha bhul kore dhukie fellam....kichui bodlabe na....karur khotio hobe na....kintu bissas koro....hoyto mepe rakha hasir cheye ao du inchi besi hese felbe..tate khoti ki???

punoshco: ami akta choto saptahik school start korar chestae achi for illiterate adults of our area.....onek interested volunteer o paoa gache....just funding ta figure out korte porchi na....kono idea thakle ama dike chure din....lufe nebo... :)
 

nebody who knos me knos that i have a peculiar bunch of hair......they have a particular style of arranging themselves from the day they started to exist....i like calling it the hagrid style.....or the bird's nest style....n every body agrees that these r apt names for them.....they r independent people of todays india.....they hate each other....and r capable of finding infinite directions to fly wen there is wind...(or wen they just feel like). no rubberband dictator or hairband politician can tame them....they have a voice....a dignity......and the ability to protest against my repeated attempts to make them adhere to each other......
  so one day.....after using up half a bottle of serum......when 40%  of my hair got stuck to my sclap.....and the othe 60 % started a sepoy mutiny......i decided that its tym to go and staighten these hulligans........so with a fat purse and my beloved hair i visited a salon and after 4 hrs of rigorous battle i got a new branch of half dead glossy hair.....incredibly beaiutiful and tame......so sleek so elegant that i almost cried out of joy......
  but....after 2 hours wen i tried to scratch my head i understood what mistake i head done.....wat i have lost......my sleek sexy hair does not allow me to touch it the way i used to touch the crazy hippies......i can caress my mane......but i cannot scratch it....i cannot put it back my ear....i cannot bundle it up in a bun when i m about to fight (i always thought that activity maked me look scary)......i cannot twirl it with my fingers while flirting with the handsome guy i like......i can admire it.....love it.....be proud of it....but cannot own it....its like i have given my whole scull on rent......i love this hair.....but i hate this hair.......i hated my ex hair.....but i loved them...
 i guess that is the story of our lives....we have the shabby things for ourselves and we always long for the glossy ones.....but we do not realise its better to have a faulty thing that you can own....than to have a perfect thing that dsnt belong to you.....i m imprfect....my hair is imprfct....i like to scratch it...play eith it.....curse it.....comb it.....love it......this hair.......i can just admire from a distance

well...i did not write the last two days.....cuz frankly speaking nothing happened....like....the days were almost as mundane as a chicken clear soup....i had exactly nothing to think about....or to write about....
  then again yesterday night i had a long debate with kabir on a very thought inducing topic....and i lost the debate as usual ....cuz kabir is really good at logical explanations....or logical sounding illogical explanations....and later that night...wen i was running the whole debate through my mind and cursing myself for things i shud have said...i realised ever i had the most appropriate thinx i wud have never won....even if i debated with my teddybear...i wud have lost....
  ok....i hope thats enuf introduction to make one think..."wat sort of debate was that after all???"....it was about my career....i was debating with kabir about wat is more important??? job satisfaction...or the salary....it was going pretty well untill i was asked...."wat do u want??"..and i had no answer.....i tried to cover that fact by siting different logics...but i did kno at my heart that there s absolutely nuthing that i love doing....and i can have a living out of that.....
 i love singing....but m not that good.....i do love to write....but m not that good in that either....i love sketching...but i m moderate in that too....eating is surely something i love to do....but hey....nobody s gonna pay me for that....the subject i study....well...i am a good student.. .and thats y i have a high TRP (u kno wat i mean) amongst my frnds n family ....but this s my little secret...i hate studying....n if i keep on studyng this subject then one day i m gonna loose my mind....buy a limosine and kill Yo Yo Honey Singh.....i could have done MBA...i kno CAT is not thaaat difficult fr me cuz m fairly good with numbers....but i m such a messy person!!!! i cant manage myself...then how m i supposed to manage a company...???
  so i figure out.....i have always taken every activity....be it singing...or drawing....or studying.....as a challenge...a challenge to prove that i can do it....not becoz...i love it...and becoz of my good chromosomes i have moderately succeeded..i think i did these cuz i loved to see my mom swell in pride...so now wen i have to chose based on wat i love to do...there s nothing i can point out....m not passionate about nething at all...............well i do love to write....but u kno....no body s gonna gv me cash for this trash...he he....
 so...,hypothetical reader....if u r there....take this little piece of advice....do a thing becuz u wanna do it....not becuz u want to prove sumthing....becoz that way u r giving ppl reasons to smile...not urself...