Few more thoughts....

Hmm...so I was talking about failure. Right now I am sitting in my office desk with absolutely nothing to do. There is a blue water bottle by the side of my laptop whoch i have filled and emptied the umpteenth time. I have had 36 biscuits since morning. Three cups of tea. And a sad little meal down at the cafeteria. Mail box is flooding with mails congratulating me of my latest job, people asking me to join their projects, best friend saying I am the best bestfriend in the world. My mom was gushing about my achievements today morning ...its still ringing in my ears.

Yes so once again i am "successful"...

But you know what age and the so called wisdom do to you? It robs you off the momentary pleasure of all the success on your palette. I know now, success and failures are just states of mind. It can change anytime anywhere... A situation can be both happy and sad, an achievement both success and failure. It all depends on your perception. Right now when my whole little world is screaming "you are successful " in my ears, I feel I am a mere tool which has functioned more effectively than expected. Mother says, this innate quality in me, to be totally unfazed after exceeding expectations is what drives me to be better. I beg to differ. This is not a quality. This is a curse. I cant shake of the feeling that I am just a spectator. I will eventually die, and all these "success" wont have any meaning to it then.

At times I feel, why all this effort to be brilliant? Why do I let things matter so much to me? After all everything is temporary. It will all go into the sea of time one day. All this work, all these tears, all these relationships...they mean nothing. If I become a couch potato ...what difference will that make? Some people will say I suck....but their opinions will die too. At the end of the day...everything will end.

Mother says...I am meant to do things more brilliant. I say..i would prefer doing things with more meaning to it. I am tired of success and failures. I am tired of momentary flashes of happiness. I am tired of feeling like a dot in a sea of words. I want to be more impactful. I want a life larger than life. I want to change a few lives. I want to be the reason of happiness for not only me and my mum...but for the entire humanity. I want people to say "Thank god she was born". I want to be a part of something much bigger , much more meaningful. I dont want flashes....I dont want bits and pieces. I want the full cake of happiness. Long , neverending, deep, fulfilling. Only then I wont feel like a spectator. Only then i wont feel numb. Only then I will feel, I am playing the soccer and scoring goals. Life is just happening to me. I am not living life....

just some thoughts..

The first thing that comes to my mind while jotting down my thoughts about my most recent failure is how much it affected others , how much one little mistake harmed a man who had been nice to me.

I figure out I have always been an easy achiever. Never did I have to work really hard to be successful. May be that’s why I forgot to value it. May be that’s why when the time came to hold on to my dear success, I failed. I failed. I do not remember a single time I had to accept this before. Failure had always been something that simply could not happen to me. I know I am brilliant. I know I am worth all the chances life has presented me with. But am I worthy enough to take a huge responsibility? Do I fit in? Is being successful at an exam or an interview proof enough that the corresponding course or job is well suited for me? May be I have always looked for minutes of celebration rather that a prolonged sense of belonging or happiness.  Success does not define us. This sense of belonging does. Have I ever belonged anywhere since I decided to be a science student? Weren’t I always meant to be a writer? Did I not know this? I did. But rather than exploring that possibility I ran behind some moments. I ran behind the feeling of immense pride, I ran behind money, I ran behind everything I knew I could achieve without thinking what will I do with those achievements.

And that’s where I went wrong. I not only wronged the person who trusted me, I not only wronged the company who believed in my abilities. Rather I wronged myself. I did not do justice to my talents. I did not do justice to my passion.

 I failed.  I do not remember a single time I had to accept this before.

 I failed. I should have accepted this a long time ago.