jani...bohudin pore abar likhchi....asole lekhar utso j matha tate dhulo jome gechilo.....dakka na khele to ajkal TV o chole na....ami to sadharon manush.
    ager lekhae premer kotha llikhechilam bodhoy....tai na??? ki odvut dekhun thik tar porer lekhatai likhchi oprem nie....na na oprem sune hasben na......jani kothata obhidhan e nei...kintu kotha to manush e toiri kore....eta amar toiri kotha...."oprem". oprem ki janen?? oprem ei tan ta jete amader hat charte dae na. oprem sei sesh khorkuto ta ja die amra somporko k bhasie rakhte chai....oprem sei sesh barer kanna bheja bidae janano....ja akmuhurte somosto decision.....ligoc...practicality k tuchcho kore dae, olot palot kore dae. mone hoy sob mitthe...sob bhul... j somporko more gahce take electric shock die tar heart beat shonar chesta k bole oprem......tar thanda kothin deho ta jorie dhore fire ae fire ae bole kanna ta k bole oprem.
     bhalobesechilam....bhalobasa chole gache....tar jawar paer chhap dekhte pachchi...kintu mante chaichi ki?? bissas korchi ki???  mathar moddhe awaj hochche.."na na na na". jotoi koshto hok jete nahi dibo.....rokto poruk tao....jete nahi dibo.....jete nahi dibo....jete nahi dibo...kintu mitther asro e to bacha jae na...chokh bondho korlei ki sob bodle jae???  se chilo seta jamn sotti...se chole gache setao tamon e sotti....sotti kothin hote pare....sotti rukkho hote pare.....kintu tao.....se sotti.. seta mene jano nite pari....etai kamona...karon..
                "The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."
   

   Love is everything

   Love is nothing..

   Love is light...

   Love is darkness

bhalobasi...kothata jototai abcha...tototai sundor.....jototai sukhokor...tototai bedonadayok....

       ami bhalobesechi....na plz hasben na...ektu sunun....ami sotti e bhalobesechi...take dekhechi, bujhechi....tar komti gulo dekhe mukh bhengchechi....tar kan tene, chul chire moja korechi....tar hat dhore jhule pore baena korechi....tar kache nijer kharap ta....crude simplicity ta dekhie felechi.....r tar halfpant pora...ebrokhebro dariola....ushkokhushko chul ola rup ta dekhe ho ho kore hesechi....ami take bhalobesechi....

      se hritwik roshan noy....se uttam kumar noy....se superhero noy...se super villain o noy.....se sadharoner moddheo osadharon....se fike hoe o ujjol....se tar chotto chotto chowae amar din ta k bhorie rekheche....na...take dekhle buk durdur kore na.....bollywoody style e haoa dae na.....mondirer ghonta baje na......take dekhle boro santi pai...mone hoy bari ese gechi...ma macher jhol ranna koreche....mone hoy bapi r maer modhdhe chupti hoe sue mohaloya sunchi....monehoy shit kaler nolen gur eneche daduvai.....mone hoy kalipujoe fuljhuri jalachchi...mone hoy boro howar songe songe jekota na paoa jog hoeche segulo sob puron hoe jachche...
      se amae dekhe bole sundor....ami sundor ki? na bodhhoy...kintu tar chokh die dekhle sundor lage...se amae jene bole bhalo.....hoyto bhalo noi ami...hoyto ami sarthoppor...kintu bhalo hote ichcha kore....monta boro korte ichcha kore.....na....bhobisot ta take kache paoar jonno plan korini....koriona....se kache ache...thakbe....ami jani.....ami jekhane jai...jotodurei jai....se tamn e dalai lama smile nie opekkha korbe....ami joto boroi hoi....joto chotoi hoi....ami tar pagli thakbo.....ami tar thakbo....
      bhalobasa ta bhison golmele....motei sojasapta noy.....tai songa khujben na.....amar lekhata pore plz milie dekhben na apni bhalobesechen ki na....eta amar bhalobasa....chera khora bhanga chora tok jhal misti jai hok.....akantoi amar bhalobasa....jake besechi se nijeo hoyto onnobhabe bhalobase amae....kintu guruttopurno bisoyta holo bhalobase.....r kichui chahida nei tar theke......
       seshe etukui bolar....bhalobasun....nijeke....onno kauke........buro hoechen kina bhabben na....bachcha achen kina bhabben na.....chokh bondho kore bhalobashun....karon apnio chiro jibon maer hater macher jhol paben na....nolen gur paben na...apnar chelebala o harie jabe...tai akjon k dekhe sei chotobalar rodebhora din gulo mone pore jaoa kichu kom paoa noy.....bhalobeshe dekhun....bhalolagbe....

                 Life......predictable....yet weird.....beautiful....yet ugly....boring yet sensuous. Its full of question marks and exclamatory signs...sometimes comma...but never a full stop in my opinion. What befuddles me about it is....its so very abstract....so very full of duality. Some say the hardest thing about life is the truth of death....some say its the desire.....but I say...its the decision making part that is hardest of all, the choices we have to make are the hardest things about life...and since our choices define us.....the hardest thing in life is to find out who you are....the hardest thing in life is to be satisfied in the definition of ourselves...and not to look forlornly in the direction of the neglected choices.....be it about ur beleifs...about ur career....or about ur love life...

                  I am pretty close to my daduvai....and our favourite pass time is chatting over a cup of coffee......daduvai is a good story teller....and his life is so full of incidents he does even have to use his imagination to keep me hooked to his evening tales. One night over a cup of coffee he was telling me stories of his childhood.....all of them were fascinating but the one I m going to narrate here is a bit different from the rest. This happened when my dadubhai was like 18 or 20.....my great grandfather had just passed away....and daduvai was the only earning member of a family of 15....he had just joined his office and the pay was hardly enough to support the whole big family. So one day he woke up in the morning to hear from my great grandmother....that is his mom....that there s no food in the whole house...and no money either....in a fit of frustation his mother cried out saying...”what is the point of living if you cannot feed your family?”. My daduvai was a brave heart....but that day his poverty....his mothers' tears...and the crying voices of his brothers and sisters pushed him over the edge of depression. In a moment life lost all its beauty to him.....he wanted to get over with life...it felt like a curse to him.....because to him at that point...life meant hunger....life meant fighting....... and he was too tired for both. So he decided to give up the gift of life....he was planning how to commit suicide......when his friend shown up.....Robin Bhattacharya ….who considered dadubhai as family. Dadubhai never told him what he was thinking....neither did he tell him the condition of his family....but his friend sensed it perhaps....or there were some unseen words suspended in the atmosphere......Robin Bhattacharya emptied his savings and handed over 250 bucks to my didima.....250 bucks in those days meant may be say 10000.....dadubhai had not asked for it....neither did he had the means to pay his friend back....but Robin dadu just gave him the money and said....”this feels like the right thing to do”. With that money my daduvai bought food that day.....with the money left he planned to go to kolkata to find a new job....he also cleared some of his debts.....and most important of all....he regained his faith in life.....mentally he was knocking on the doors of death and Robin Bhattacharya brought him back. And you kno what happened to this friend of my dadubhai??? He died the very next day because of the sudden fever that hit him after he had left my dadubhai's house...

                     I am a practical person....i donot believe in fairytales...i do not believe in ghosts....i do not believe in demons....and I do not believe in angels......but here ...in this story.....my romantic heart wants to believe.....Robin Bhattacharya was an angel....or a farrista...or debdut.... He was sent by fate....by universe to give a second chance to my daduvai......that was his purpose...and he went away after completing what he was meant to do.....he was that deity we worship in temples.....that khoda we sing our namaj for.....that God we pray to before going to sleep. I do not do any of these things....but if I had made the choice of being a beleiver...its this soul I would pray to.....

                    And thus I return to what I started with....life is hard because of our decisions.. I have made the decision of being an atheist....and I have done this because the thought of a deity...an external unseen force...makes me feel like I have no control on my tomorrow....and I hate that feeling...my practicality makes me feel less like a puppet..and more like an actual human being.That I am a atheist helps me be focussed.....but I cannot help reconsidering now and then cuz it does not allow the romantic inference i drew earlier...it does now allow the shiver I felt after I heard this story....it does not support my little wish that I get my angel when I am about to give up.....

       aj abar blogtar kotha mone porlo......onadore amar internet historyr akkone pore theke theke dhulo jome jachche bodh hoy......tai idaning blog ta khule bosleo kono kotha mathae ase na.....gondogol ta jodio mathar o hote pare...bola to jae na....koto soto jontre jong dhore galo...r eto samanno matha.....
      apnake akta kotha jiggesh kori.... achcha jarai result bhalo kore tarai porte bhalobase eta sobai kano mone kore bolun to??? sobai bhabe ami porte bhison bhalobasi....amar porasona khub bhalolage.....seta j kotoboro mitthe....seta bodhoy ami chaa r keu jane na.....ami bolechi bohubar....j amar akdom bhalolagena porasona korte...keu bissas e kore na....bole nyakamo korchi.....kintu porasona j ki boring seta to sobai jane....ami to r mars theke neme asini j akta boring jinis k o bishal bhalolagbe.....kintu manusher mot.....ami naki porte khub bhalobasi kintu seta ami bujhte parina.....ki mushkil bolun dekhi......ami ki bhalobasi seta duniya sudhdhu sobai bujhe galo, jene galo,ami e bujhlum na.....bojho kando...
       sobar kotha moto chesta korechilam porasona bhalobaste....kintu amar j jana jinis r porte ichcha korena.....prothom 10 second reading dite bhaloi lage....notun kichu jana galo.....bojha galo....besh moja.....kintu tarpor jokhon porikkhar jonno aro dosbar seta porte hoy mone hoy akta khun tun kore feli.....ba dhornae bose jai.....apni e bolun.....ei chinta bhabne gulo ki adou sukhokor???? r amondhara chintabhabna mathae ele porte bhalo lagei ba kaese?????
        amar to porte boslei bromhotalu ta byatha korte thake......pet e o olposolpo gurgur kore.....khide pae.....mone hoy jodi ei muhute akta bhumikompo hoto ki bhaloi na hoto......mone hoy prithibitao bore hoe ghora bondho kore dieche.....ami porte boslei asepaser sobbai sorojontro kore mojar mojar kaj korte thake....ma daler bora ghi te bhajte bosae.....uff se ki sundor gondho.....kingba TV te doraemon suru hoe jae.....kingba pantaloons e offer ache bole phone e sms aste thake......janlar pashe duto chorai bishal jhogra badhie dae.....putush tader dekhe char pae lafate thake........r nich theke feriola hakte thake..."ghoti gorom chaaaaaaaaai....ghoti gorommm".....ki kore mon die porbo???
         sobcheye besi bhalolage porar boi er modhdhe golper boi ta lukie lukie porte......ma o bokbe na.....disturb o korbe naa.....bhabbe meye koto porche.....r tokhon hoyto ami ramersumoti porte porte hau hau kore kadchi.....ba srikanto porchi.....othoba sukumar ray kobita.....othoba nontefonte.....r by chance dhora pore galei udum pituni....tobe oituku mardhore kichui esejae na......ami mar kheye ektu kede niye....abar golper boi nie bose pori.....
         sune mone hochche to ami bishaal bichchu.???/?....kintu kya kare.....oituku bichchumi na korle ami bore hoe fossil hoe jbo....jaihok.....ebar apni atleast bujhlen to j amar report sheet dekhe amae judge kora uchit noy.....keu to bujhlo....ebar ami jai tintin ta sesh koe feli....tataaaaaa....

i kno i have not been writing for a long long time.....its just that....i got nothing to think about....that dsnt mean nothing is happening in my life....its just like....all the incidents r pretty straight forward and single layered.....my mom's uncle died.....and dadavai has left us too....so...yeah...those  just incidents.....nd....there s nuthing to write about their death really.....i can bore u all with tons of medical terminologies....but thats not wat i started this blog for.....this s my place to shout out my frustation and i donot shout out medical names wen i m frustated....and nor do i narrate incidents...
    i think it wud be better if i talk about how i really feel about their departure....i have known my mom's uncle for times unknown.....he stayed at haldia......we seldom used to meet.....i have met him like 6 to 7 times....but every time he used to come he used to bring little things for me.....magazines....and poems he has written....he made it a point to read everything i write.....loved hearing me sing..........it just feels weird that that person is not there nemore.....wen i go to haldia next time.....he wont give that hearty laugh and show me his poems....he used to sing a song...."tumi manush k diechile prem...." i dont eally like the song....but it feels weird that he wont sing that again.....i dont kno if i ud be like "i miss him sooo much"....but the moment i think about all those things abt him that i vividly remember.....nd i realise thats all past...i cant help crying....its like my old school books......i dont need them....i dont read them....but i kno if they r thrown away m gonna feel weird....nd miss the fact that they were right there..
      by dadavai i mean kabir's elder bro....i have known him for a little more than two years......nd he s the person i used to go to wen i had a fight with kabir.....he wud always take my side....he ud always call me his sister.....he loved to eat like me....so we really connected,,,,n wenever i used to make a eatout plan wth kabir we asked him to join us....he was young , full of laughter, passionate about food and photography.....we chatted just two weeks ago.....he was sending me stickers.....he was a little sick....n i told him get well soon....n we will have a eatout at chinatown after that.....n now he s just gone....he s not there....we will never again make a plan with him....he will never click my photos......never call me pagli.....never back me up wen kabir fights.....we wont talk about food nemore....or my poems....or movies....or make knock knock jokes....he wont ask me to join the trips he plans even after knoing i cant go....he wont ping me all of a sudden just to say hi n then go offline again.....he s just gone.....the person who was very much alive n making plans with me 2 weeks back...is gone....i m just not being able to come in terms with this fact......how i feel about his death....how much i miss him.....that can b discussed later....its just that....with his name in my frndlist....my watsapp....my g talk.....my contacts....i just cant blv he s gone...
       thats everything i can say right now....i dont want to draw ne conclusions....or discuss nething philosophical...cuz i m not in that frame of mind this instant.....i can just say...both of you.....i loved you....be happy if there s nething called afterlife......may your soul rest in peace....

jokhon ei blog ta start korechilam....bhebechilam protidin likhbo.....kichu na kichu.......bhebechilam sokaler cha ta chumuk dite ditei likhe felbo....karon chintar khorakta sadharonoto ratei jogar hoe jae amar.....bhebechilam ja likhbo seta age theke plan kore rakhbo.....mone mone dutin bar bole akta outline kore rakhbo.....jate akhon jamn tumi atotuku porei ghori dekhcho seta na hoy.....onekkichui bhebechilam.....kintu ta holo ki???......aj atodin por dupur sare 10tae blog nie bosechi.....mathae chinta kilbilie uthche....othocho sei "plan" er tikitao toiri korini....topic to bank e prochur joma poreche......kintu segulo sobde bodle falar dussahos ta korte atodin lege galo.....r ami ei oniom dekhe jib bar kore mathae duto chati mere bolchi "ore gadha chagol goru....niom koi??? ato kuremi kiser??? protidin likhlei to hoy" ...
  asole hoyto tumi bissas korbe na.....etao amarr plan e chilo j jedin lekha hobe na sedin nijeke tumul sason korbo......mathae gatta mere bolbo "ore shimpanji.....kichu to akta niommafik kor.....kichuto akta mon die kor.....dekhisni omukkke.....koto sorted out....koto focussed....toke to porte boste bolini....ja mathae ase guchie likhte bolechi.....setateo ato alsemi....kissu hobe na tor.....je sue thake tar bhaggo o sue thake.."..prothom dudin koreochilam sason.....tarpore din just akta chati....r tarpor.....etao bhule mere diechi...
   kano erm hoy....akta niom ....akta plan life k koto easy kore dae......jokhon alsemi kore kichu miss kori mone ki kothao ektu guilt feeling hoy na??? plan ta mene chollei to seta avoid kora jae.....tao kano....planmafik cholte ato oniha....kano sei guilty feeling ta k kothao akta relish kori ami?? sudhu ki blog???? ei nie 66 bar dieting er chesta kore fail korechi....just controle hoy na.... bhulbhal kheye fele nijeke chor thappor gatta....kichu marte bud diyini...tao....sei protibar....dudin porei ....telebhajara....mistira.....monginis r kathleener lok gulo hat nere nere dakte thake ....r amio sob bhule gie dum kore kheyefeli...Ei nie amar 10 ta kobitar khata korechi....othocho kobita ta kno janina sei khataguloe lekhai hoy na.....khater pechoner deoale....ankar khatae.....engineering msathematics er boi er molate pen rakhlei borong kobitara jhapie ase.....ake onnoke thele sorie berie aste chae....bojho kando!!!
   mone hoy amar programming e gondogol ache....sobai kisundor aki bhbe....aki niome jibon ta protidin enjoy korche.....r ami....ei bishal somaj machiner batil howa part....ami sudhu bhule jachchi....ja ichche tai korchi....instruction manchi na....niom manchi na....amae sobai galagal dichche....screw nie egie asche sarie tulte......r ami dourachi.....akabanka rasta die....nijer  imperfection k jorie dhore....karon ato kichur poreo.....ami nijeke boro bhalobasi.....sobai boddo bhalo.....tader sob bhalo....sob sothik.....soundorje,perfectn e chokh golla hoe jae.....kintu tao....amar paglami te....imperfection e..... r faulty programming e boichitro to ache.....tomader binary numberer akgheyemite ami na hoy baki 8 ta shonkha bhul kore dhukie fellam....kichui bodlabe na....karur khotio hobe na....kintu bissas koro....hoyto mepe rakha hasir cheye ao du inchi besi hese felbe..tate khoti ki???

punoshco: ami akta choto saptahik school start korar chestae achi for illiterate adults of our area.....onek interested volunteer o paoa gache....just funding ta figure out korte porchi na....kono idea thakle ama dike chure din....lufe nebo... :)
 

nebody who knos me knos that i have a peculiar bunch of hair......they have a particular style of arranging themselves from the day they started to exist....i like calling it the hagrid style.....or the bird's nest style....n every body agrees that these r apt names for them.....they r independent people of todays india.....they hate each other....and r capable of finding infinite directions to fly wen there is wind...(or wen they just feel like). no rubberband dictator or hairband politician can tame them....they have a voice....a dignity......and the ability to protest against my repeated attempts to make them adhere to each other......
  so one day.....after using up half a bottle of serum......when 40%  of my hair got stuck to my sclap.....and the othe 60 % started a sepoy mutiny......i decided that its tym to go and staighten these hulligans........so with a fat purse and my beloved hair i visited a salon and after 4 hrs of rigorous battle i got a new branch of half dead glossy hair.....incredibly beaiutiful and tame......so sleek so elegant that i almost cried out of joy......
  but....after 2 hours wen i tried to scratch my head i understood what mistake i head done.....wat i have lost......my sleek sexy hair does not allow me to touch it the way i used to touch the crazy hippies......i can caress my mane......but i cannot scratch it....i cannot put it back my ear....i cannot bundle it up in a bun when i m about to fight (i always thought that activity maked me look scary)......i cannot twirl it with my fingers while flirting with the handsome guy i like......i can admire it.....love it.....be proud of it....but cannot own it....its like i have given my whole scull on rent......i love this hair.....but i hate this hair.......i hated my ex hair.....but i loved them...
 i guess that is the story of our lives....we have the shabby things for ourselves and we always long for the glossy ones.....but we do not realise its better to have a faulty thing that you can own....than to have a perfect thing that dsnt belong to you.....i m imprfect....my hair is imprfct....i like to scratch it...play eith it.....curse it.....comb it.....love it......this hair.......i can just admire from a distance

well...i did not write the last two days.....cuz frankly speaking nothing happened....like....the days were almost as mundane as a chicken clear soup....i had exactly nothing to think about....or to write about....
  then again yesterday night i had a long debate with kabir on a very thought inducing topic....and i lost the debate as usual ....cuz kabir is really good at logical explanations....or logical sounding illogical explanations....and later that night...wen i was running the whole debate through my mind and cursing myself for things i shud have said...i realised ever i had the most appropriate thinx i wud have never won....even if i debated with my teddybear...i wud have lost....
  ok....i hope thats enuf introduction to make one think..."wat sort of debate was that after all???"....it was about my career....i was debating with kabir about wat is more important??? job satisfaction...or the salary....it was going pretty well untill i was asked...."wat do u want??"..and i had no answer.....i tried to cover that fact by siting different logics...but i did kno at my heart that there s absolutely nuthing that i love doing....and i can have a living out of that.....
 i love singing....but m not that good.....i do love to write....but m not that good in that either....i love sketching...but i m moderate in that too....eating is surely something i love to do....but hey....nobody s gonna pay me for that....the subject i study....well...i am a good student.. .and thats y i have a high TRP (u kno wat i mean) amongst my frnds n family ....but this s my little secret...i hate studying....n if i keep on studyng this subject then one day i m gonna loose my mind....buy a limosine and kill Yo Yo Honey Singh.....i could have done MBA...i kno CAT is not thaaat difficult fr me cuz m fairly good with numbers....but i m such a messy person!!!! i cant manage myself...then how m i supposed to manage a company...???
  so i figure out.....i have always taken every activity....be it singing...or drawing....or studying.....as a challenge...a challenge to prove that i can do it....not becoz...i love it...and becoz of my good chromosomes i have moderately succeeded..i think i did these cuz i loved to see my mom swell in pride...so now wen i have to chose based on wat i love to do...there s nothing i can point out....m not passionate about nething at all...............well i do love to write....but u kno....no body s gonna gv me cash for this trash...he he....
 so...,hypothetical reader....if u r there....take this little piece of advice....do a thing becuz u wanna do it....not becuz u want to prove sumthing....becoz that way u r giving ppl reasons to smile...not urself...

 yesterday night wen i was chatting with Kabir... (well...i can be chatty if i want to....my nickname was chatterbox in school) i was talking about how to be a proper lady??? like haven't you seen all those beautiful girls in those tight short...(and uncomfortable if u ask me) dresses...in those skyscrapper heels....talking so gracefully.......flirting with such a poise...???..everytime i come across such a speceis i wonder.....how on earth r they doing it??? like....if u r a girl u ud kno....its almost impossible to maintain proper hair....dress and shoes and be mobile and active at the same tym.....my girlfriends always asks me...."ready for some fun??" n wen i say yes they doll me up in breathtaking clothes that fit u like rubberband....and u start cursing urself for breathing....then they put 2 kg make up on my face.....gives me boots with heels almost 2 storey high.....truth to say....wen i stand infront of the mirror i do feel proud...and accomplished for a moment...(after succesfully ignoring the pain in my ankles and the urge to tear up the dess)....and if kabir gets to see me in such an attire he just stares......with round round eyes.....and it s fun to experience that attention....but that lasts only for 15 minutes or so.....then i gets really difficult to ignore the loud protests of my body forced into the lifeless boa constrictor....and then nature...the bitch....either makes me sweat....or produces such a wind that nething that fits loosely on me desires to leave me completely that instant....and mind you....u can look plain if u wear day to day clothes without make up.....but u ud look horrible if ur hair is like a crow's nest and u r trapped in an exotic attire and mascara is running down ur cheeks....so then i hae to rush to the wash room for a touch up.....by rushing i mean walking slower than a snail becoz of the heaven high heels....
    an even bigger question is....how to go on a date dressed like that??? i tried it with kabir....it was a dissaster.....and he ended up asking....."do u need to change?"....first of all....i was wearing a short dress...so wenever i dropped sumthin (i m messy....remember) i had to ask him to pick it up.....and wenever i tried to sit my helmline kept riding up....so i stood all the time.....that gave me a horrible ankle ache....n i became snappy....and a horrible pain in the ass. then while coming backed we missed two cabs cuz i could not run in those shoes.....nature was a silent bitch all the tym....and i didnt even notice wen my hair slowly came back to its original hippie form.....and after all these trials and tribulations......my heel broke...i fell down.....started crying....resulting my mascara and kajal to run down my cheeks......Finally wen i reached home and looked in the mirror for an instant i thought its the ghost fom Insidious......i was about to shout....it was a close thing criusly
   frankly....i have much more fun.....wen instead of eating miniature amounts like a lady i gobbel down my food like kabir does.....i have more fun wearing a jeans and a tshirt than a dress.....i have more fun playing vdo games than watching soaps....but the saddest part is i cant do that without being judged or labelled. I am not saying being a proper woman is bad....i just want to say that its not me....so plz let me be ....but society.....is a nosy fellow.....it dictates wat a girl is supposed to wear....wat is she supposed to eat....how is she supposed to eat....wat her attitude should be n everything else....criusly....for girls....there is very little oppurtunity to choose...."u have to be shy.....u cant be loud.....dont laugh just smile....oh no u cant sneeze...u cant whistle....u cant fart....u cant burp....u cant say that u like sex..u cant smoke.....u cant booze....u cant have a night out..." and so on and so forth...i mean cummon!!! this is outright fascist.....and u kno wat is the saddest part??? if u raise ur voice its the girls who r gonna hush you down...and curl their lips in hawty derision....the same girls who went on a rally the other day to support equality....
    so i get confused????wat does equality mean???? doesnt it mean equal rights.....equal independence.....??? all of us want it.....a progressive society walks towards this goal....isnt it??? if so then y those snide remarks wen sumbody is actually doing that.....actually being herself???????? i guess...our society is not progressive.....its a child unsure of its goals....otherwise things wud have been different n there wud be lesser girls suffering from self inflicted malnutrition.....lesser girls on the verge of tears in killer heels....

   ok!!! so may be u r going to wonder...(if nebody at all reads this....though i will assume somebody does) y now??? like is she out of her mind or something??? kaj nei kheye deye??? well frst of all.....amar apatoto sotti e kheye deye kaj nei....exams r over n m dying to do sumthing new.....n moreover m a loner with very few friends....and very low social skills....i find it difficult communicating with others....so there r things i need to talk about....n i just cant find the two eyed clear brained homosapien to talk to.....so i better write it down here in the hope that sum body comes across this blog and nods his or her head up and down while reading this almost understanding wat i want to say
    well.....being the messy person i am....almost forgot to introduce my self....so...hi!! m a bespectacled nerd of a girl....with my nose into books the whole day and pretending that i love it... According to my mom there is a absolute beautiful...mindfucking.....diamond of a face hidden behind the many layers of extra chin...and the insanely thick glasses.....i have classic shinchan eyebrows....a healthy...(read OTT) appetite...and a knack for fashion desinging....thoush i ud never say that aloud....else mom might kill me...(ato porasona kore tailor hote chas!!!!!!)...i like singing bollywood absolute jhinchak songs....kinda hate english music.....love old bengali and hindi songs too....and yah....i love reading and writing poetry.....
    if u ask me about the people in my life .....then there is my sobjanta, scary, bossy mom...whom i love....inspite of the fact that i can never understand her....neither can she understand me.....then there is kabir (blush blush!!)....my tushyfaced teddy bear of a boy friend....always standing beside me....and in a 2 year long battle with my hitler mother......there is putush....my li'l pet....ohh...almost forgot....dad is also there....though we do not talk much....cuz we do not get time for each other.....and wen we do.... we talk a lot telepathecally....keeping uncomfortable silence the medium between us...
   ok...so wat do i want to talk about??? there are so many things actually!!!!! havent u ever felt the hypocrisy in our lives....the odd difference between the notion of right and wrong in various spheres????? how easily goodness becomes bokamo.....how easily cheating becomes chalaki???how easily the adjectives smart and greedy merge with each other??? how the victim becomes the guilty....and the guilty becomes "bechara"??? may be for many of you it has been easy.....this transition from the idealistic world of books to that of the real one.....but not for me.....i have been trapped so long in the pages that when i was pushed to face the reality.... i stand alone.....defeated and lost.....i dont kno wats wrong wats right.....everything i have read till now seems wrong.....i am a duffer ...an idiot now .....and i thot books made me smarter...wait....smart has two definitions......i mean to say i am smart in a way books define samrtness...not in a way my mom....or the society does....
  signing off now....plz do think about this...(if u at all exist....though i wud assume that u do)....tada