Musings

 I will forever be addicted to arresting attention through words, stopping moments through eyes, warming hearts through smiles.

Always.

Self missing

Feeling this urge to write something.. ..anything... There was a time when words were my friends, notebooks my secret holders, leisures my invitation to write. What I lacked was concrete thoughts.

My thoughts are more concrete (concreter???) now. Everything else is missing. Gone are those yellow paged journals. Gone are those truly leisurely leisures. 

Why does clarity make you prosaic? Why does everything soft slowly die? Why do you harden and not soften with time? 

I miss my philosophical self. I miss my artsy self. I miss me.

Dakha hobe bohu bochor por..
Tui tokhon kono lokkhi meyer bor..
Kono shanto meyer komol hater fake..
Hoyto tokhon tor prem lukie thake...

Ami dekhbo bohu durer theke..
Tor theke onekta fak rekhe..
Kamon tui songsari hoechis..
Bodlechis...na aki roechis?
Hasita ki ager motoi ache?
Darir fashion nicher thoter kache?
Buker botam ager motoi khola..
Bodlechis? Na akhono attobhola?

Hoyto milie dekhbo bar bar..
Ager tui kotota baki ar.....
Mon korbe ektu kache gie...
Jorie dhori purono duhat die..
Arektibar dhukpuk ta shuni..
Arektibar olik sopno buni...
Arektibar collar chepe dhori..
Arektibar seshbar prem kori..

Samle nebo... Akbaro dakbona..
Hothat kono dabio rakhbona..
Bolbona tui amar chili age..
Folabona gal obanchito rage...
Samne bhasbe hasi makha tor mukh...
Byas oitukui amar bhager shukh..
Amon e hobe.... Tor ar amar dakha...
Tui, tor bou.... Ar edike ami.... Aka....

Tor Sathe

Tor sathe...
Rong berong jagbe shokal..
Tui alto chue ghum bhangabi...
Ami choddo rage thot folabo...
Ghum r o-ghum er majhe
Office derir chokh ranganita..
Har manbe...

Tor sathe
Khub byasto katbe dupur ta..
Tui bolbi "breakfast koi..?"
Ami bolbo "asche to.."
Tui somoy nei bole berote jabi..
R ami doure gie..
Makhon makha pauruti..
Ar ak chokh bhalobasa..
Mukhe pure die asbo...

Tor sathe..
Besh darshonik hobe sondhegulo..
Chaer cup e jhor uthbe..
Amar r tor..Rajnoitik,
Samajik, noitik motobhed guloke..
Ake ake table e sajabo..
Jeta harar pala shuru hobe..
Ar jhogra bere gele..
"Tui ekti gadha" ghoshona kore..
Torko mitie felbo.. .

Tor sathe..
Lajuk r sahosi hobe rat ta..
Tui chute chaibi..
R ami na er pechone..
Ak rash ha nie opekkha korbo...
Hasir arale lukobo lojja..
R tar arale dushtumi
Amar prottek "chere de" er uttore..
Tui kaner patae dat rekhe bolbi..
Charbo na, charbo na, charbo na..

ভালোবাসা

পুড়িয়ে দেবে উষ্ণতারা..
বিভেদ বাণীর তুচ্ছ মানে ..
ঠোঁটের ছোয়ায় জ্বালিয়ে দেবো..
জ্বালিয়ে দেবো নখের টানে ..
আদিম কাব্য তোমার পিঠে ..
আমার আঙুলে তৈরী হোক ..
আদর করা প্রেমের রীতি ..
বলছে যা ছাই বলুক লোক ...
গন্ধ মেখে ক্লান্ত তোমার ..
মিটিয়ে নিয়ে মনের খিদে ..
আমি জ্বালবো সন্ধে প্রদীপ ..
তোমার নামাজ ... মসজিদেতে ...
ঈদ এর পরে , হ্যাচকা টানে ..
দূর্গা তোমার বুকের মাঝে ..
লাল শাড়ি আর দাঁড়ির ফাঁকে ...
শুনতে পাও ? ডঙ্কা বাজে ?
ডঙ্কা বাজুক , ঢাক ও বাজুক ..
দাঙ্গা বাধুক , উঠোন কোণে ..
ঝড়ের মাঝে , ঝড় উঠে যাক ..
তোমার আমার নীলচে মনে ..
হাতের ফাঁকে আঙ্গুল নিয়ে ..
গুঁড়িয়ে দেবো সাবধানতা ..
ভালোবাসা যাবেই জিতে ..
সাক্ষী থাকবে আমজনতা .

Moments..

Life is a collection of moments. 
Moments when you were sad, moments when you were happy. 
Moments when you had won, moments when you had lost. 
Moments of immense success...moments of intense failure.
But , at the end of the day, I believe , we all remember the moments when we defied the rules.
The moments we did socially unacceptable stupid things.
The moments we were unnecessarily nice or obnoxiously rude.
The moments we loved someone we shouldn't.
The moments we did things that were not expected from us.
I say, be that anomaly at-least once every day.
Every day do something eccentric, however small it might be.
Buy that neon T shirt people said you were too old to wear.
Wear that blue lipstick that makes you look like a joker.
Tell that person who is out of your league how majorly you are crushing on him.
Be cheesy , be romantic.
Wear your heart on your sleeves.
Get it broken and watch how beautifully it gets fixed.
To hell with common sense. Something that has the word "common" in it cannot be something worth having.
Dream weird, dream big.
Life , as I said are full of moments, moments that define us, own us.
Have a few moments that do not define or own you.
Have a few moments that you define, you own instead

Something I wanted to talk about

So obviously I do not write much here. In fact, nowadays I do not write much at all. I don't know why. The words just do not come to me as they used to. Or may be they never came, and I was just over estimating myself all this while.

So, today , I will be discussing about something that I have been battling with for quite some years now. Depression. No , its not an overfancy word for sadness. No , no one pretends it. No , a pizza will not fix this. No,"take it easy" is not a good enough advice. I have done all these things to myself for a long time. Its just stupid. So don't do it to yourself, or others.

I do not remember the first time when I fell into this. But I remember days, when I would cry without really knowing the reason why. I would never give myself credit for anything. I remember having people in my life who would criticize me all the time, and I remember believing them. I remember thinking that I am so unimportant, so negligible , that , my existence is just an anomaly. I first time visited a psychiatrist when I was still doing my bachelors. I remember just crying for the first few sittings. I could not even form my thoughts into sentences. At the time , I was also in a relationship. And that person, also, always made me feel that he is doing me a favour by being with me. I used to look into the mirror and I used to feel like a monster. I never used to do good in studies. I could never really concentrate. And even when I used to do good in something, I would never give myself credit for that. Then , in the later years, I broke up. And that pushed me further into a life of darkness. I used to force myself to do things that would make me hate myself as a person. I had zero self respect. I do not want to go into the details of what all I did. But let me just tell you, it was not something that I loved doing. I hated it. I was high on self destruction.

Then, I took the best decision of my life in 2016. I was doing this IT job after graduating. Ofcourse I hated it. I resigned. I had zero idea what to do next. And the crowd of over critical people kept criticizing my decision. But I did it. I had a person holding my hand through this. I decided that I will dedicate a year to myself to build up my mental health . And it was not easy. Its not easy to find beauty in a mirror that has told you that you are ugly , all your life.  It was difficult to believe that I have talent in me after being criticized and over criticized for everything. But, for the first time, I decided to fight back. I told myself every morning, almost like a ritual, that I am beautiful. I started studying again, this time actually believing I can do it. I cut everyone from my life, except my parents and some very very close friends. I chose to keep only positive people in my life. People who reminded me that I am good enough. I stopped beating myself up for all my failures. I started voicing my opinion more loudly. And most importantly, I never let anyone bully me again.

These last two years, have been the best years in my life so far. I have slipped into depression for times in these years as well. But I have fought back. And I am not afraid of it anymore. I myself is the source of my happiness. No one matters to me more than myself. I only get hurt, when I do not like myself. So I try to be the best person that I can be. What others think of me does not matter to me anymore. I wake up every morning and convince myself the day will be beautiful. I make a conscious effort to filter away the negative thoughts , the nonconstructive criticisms. I am happy now. And I like to believe I will be okay in the coming years.